When I Felt Lost...

"I'd rather die tomorrow... than live a hundred years without knowing you." - John Smith/ Pocahontas

Then came the song, "If I Never Knew You".

Yeah, thanks a lot!

:(

Today, I seriously needed a break from my life. And the moment I thought I'd get away from all that messed it up, I find myself in a muddle of some more.

Like, seriously, why should one be blamed for something that's totally not his/ her fault!?

I went out to meet with Julia around 2 this afternoon. Christmas decorations are out and about already, so we wanted to check them out. Later on we sat in a café, a new one we've never been to before, cos we were like, if we went to Nero or Pret a Manger once more we'd go and kill somebody for sure lol.

Anyway, so later on Julia's husband Kole joins us and he brings up his favorite topic of all. Getting me married.

I ain't kidding you guys!

He's been at it for quite some time- along with his wife for sure- as in, it's about time, you ain't got long before your course finishes... find someone!!

Where do I begin... do tell me??

And I thought people back in my society were freaked out about getting girls married! It's so weird it makes me laugh! ... and cry all at the same time.

It's very thoughtful of him, amen to that. Now that I got rid of my Mom nagging over my shoulder about the topic... along comes Mary... I mean Kole and his wife!

He would actually tell me that there are really good muslim men around here who make a perfect match. Of course there are. Not that I know of any, but perfect guys are everywhere... everywhere, yet hard to find :D Yeah, that's how life makes sense, doesn't it? He said, "Sparkle, you need to find someone before your year is over." Meaning by the end of next year, my course that is.

Sparkle: smile and nod.

What can one say in such situations?

Back home, and as I've mentioned before, people think I'm picky. Here, I dunno what they think. Cos I don't see any of em. Not that I don't, it's just that I have no way in communicating with them. Them= guys.

All this is adding to the load I'm carrying, the one that has to do with my studies. The new additional load, find myself a good suitor.

Can I describe this as depressing? or merely frustrating? Because, I don't see how I can do anything about it. I don't know how.

And I'm scared.


Not scared that I'd ever get married. No. It's the fact that I'd not end up with someone who'd cherish me for who I am. To understand my westernized mentality and say that this is how she grew up and it's part of who she is. To be proud of me cos I'd do him right, and provide a loving environment to his life.

Kole is a really nice guy. But today, and since I've established the 7alla again, I just looked at him and thought, "Wow, Kole, I wish you'd shut up!"

lol

*sigh*

We had dinner together- he'd been insisting for ages that they take me- so, tired as I was, I agreed. He went on with his match-making suggestions... I laughed them off.

I came home later on... and I felt really empty inside. It had nothing to do with what he had been saying lately. It's just that... it's true.

You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking mainly about my parents. I know it all has to do foremostly with my wellbeing in terms of finding a good match, but the other thing, I feel that, same as everyone else on this planet, they need to see me married, see their grandchildren, guide them and tell them what a crybaby I was when I was a kid... my mom would love to hold them and bathe them, and sing to them, and feed them mashed vegetables and bananas...

It might sound crazy... but that's what all parents want to see... their children's families...





..........












Gosh I'm so tired.... so so tired....







May Allah forgive me, guide me and bestow strength and security on me, may He grant me the courage and success for my course, may He grant me a good husband, may He grant me beautiful children, for my own sake and for my parents' sake...


Till next time

Ramadan... Day 22

lol ^_^ oops sorry part of it got cut off

"Do you, Jason, take Karyn to have and to hold, to E-mail and fax, to page and beep, until death do you part?"

Ramadan... Day 21

"When your serenity is through..."









Hello again my good people

The weather was fine today. I had to fax some papers back home so I went out with my brother. I met with Julia later on, and was glad that she wanted to look for an outfit, cos I was particularly aimless as to where I wanted to go.

This part of my sequel focuses on how many of us males or females could be led nowhere on the road to marriage if not directed to the right way. This can be by taking your hand, giving you a word of wisdom... helping by any means. There are times when even the wisest fail to assist others... and that's where the real loss is... and exactly what happened to me once upon a time. I'm glad to have been blessed to share this with others here... lest my experience be of any use to anyone out there.

Note: perhaps this part might not be clear or its morals hidden... but I had no other way of telling it, and this is how it went

**************

Confessing an Experience # Part 2


Year four commenced and I was in a hell of a condition.

There was the fear of going out, the fear of seeing people and them seeing me. It was like: "GASP! Sparkle you look terrible!" etc

I was pale and thin... and felt that every gust of wind would blow me away.
One day, I get a message from my Dad's cousin and she asked me to contact her as soon as possible. I called her...

Her: I know we've never been engaged in serious conversation before, or even know each other well, but I have a question for you.

Me: Ooo-ka-y...

Her: Do you find yourself ready to for marriage?

*crash clunk boing*

Me (after collecting myself): urm...I... ah... I dunno...

Her (barely waiting for my response): Surely you want to know who it is, right?

Silence

Her: It's Ahmed (another cousin of my Dad's) and he wants to know what do you think?

We talked a little but a short while later, someone came in and I had to cut it short, telling her that I'd first have to inform my family and see what will happen.

*****

At first, I said that to buy time... coz I didn't know what to answer her, and the only logic response I've grown aware of was: "I need to discuss this with my family first." They say that's how a girl would show her self-esteem. If she gave her response immediately, then she's regarded as 'too obvious' and can't wait to get married! Ok, I don't wanna dwell on that any further.

Moving on...

My mom wasn't at home. She was in our home town which was two hours' drive from the town where we lived, coz my Grandad was very ill... I couldn't tell my Dad, naturally.

Days pass and I inform her. I get no real reaction generally, but I let it slide as I didn't know whether this was going to take place anyway.

A few months pass and we hear nothing of the topic. I try to cope with my health and studies. Days after Eid el Adha, news spread in my home town... my cousins come for a visit and keep asking me: "Is it true Ahmed's asked for your hand?"

I had to deny, coz there still was no official word or even correspondence from him or his family.

Fourth year comes to an end...rumours spreading like fire... and still nothing.

That summer, our phone rings, I answer... it's him. My heart freezes. He asks for my Dad. He's not available. He hangs up... he does not know that it was me... or maybe he knew.

I only saw him twice in my whole life, and I think the same goes for him.

Another day, the phone rings... I answer (yeah, I know, it seems to ring whenever I pass by!) Ahmed's sister asks for me.

Me: Hi it's me.
Her: I'm sure you've been told about this and that... what do you think?
Me (sweating all over): Um... er... oh what can I say.
Her: Listen we didn't want to ask your family coz we wanted to know what you think first. You're the one in question here and your opinion is what we need.

silence...

Her: so...?
Me: Listen... I don't think I'm ready for this...(Yeah, that's what I said...)
Her: Meaning...?
Me: I'm still not sure about getting married
(Like say that to your Granma and she'll blow your head off)

lol

At that moment I felt a lot of pressure on me and I didn't know what to do. The phone call ended at that... surely she thought I was some kinda freak to reply like that. I never knew.

When I told Mom, she almost yelled at me. And I was like... Wha..?

Mom: How can you say something like that?

Ok, that's when the story gets confusing. When I first told my family no one gave me their opinion, good or bad. And that's what killed me. I had to have some kinda basis to my decision making... I had none.

Me: Mom, he's Dad's cousin he's supposed to know about him more than I do. What does he think?

Mom: He hardly knows him

(Ahmed's like 20 or 30 years younger than Dad... so that's probably why... or maybe I don't know)

So, whomever I ask and turn to, give me no direct response to my inquiry... It was all so strange... it was like I was asking for the secret of the universe!

One day, his Dad called mine and it was an official call.

Hearts beating... I was informed and asked to think about it. I prayed Istikharah... and decided to go for it, all the time repeating:

اذا كان في الأمر خير لي فقربه مني واذا كان فيه شر لي فبعده عني

Translation: If this matter is for my own good then let it be, if not, keep it away from me

(not totally literal but bears the meaning)


I agreed. Dad called Ahmed and asked him to arrange a time when he could come to our house to meet me face to face and get to know each other. Circumstances fell between him and that and his job had him all busy.

Word spread around my universe. Some said that I had had a family engagement party. Others started planning what to wear for my wedding... lol ... yeah, talk about being hyper!

I spent most of the summer without sleep. One week a cousin of mine came to stay for a few days, her sole ambition was to prep me up for the wedding (the one that still wasn't planned nor even arranged for) She said: "I am here to make sure you eat well. And you need to start hair treatment and stay out of the sun from now on!" And I was like, why did she make me feel hideous!? lol

Dad booked a chalet by the sea and she came along (my cousin). She refused to let me go out in the sun rofl... I told her I wouldn't go there even if I weren't to be wed... I'd immediately faint if I did so, plus I couldn't go swimming wither.. *sniff sniff*

Days passed... my cousin went back to her home... and there was no sign of him.

By the end of the summer, I had been bombarded with phone calls and inquiries about the wedding date... And I was like, there wasn't an engagement in the first place!
I had grown frustrated and my family started to feel manipulated with. And I totally agreed.

Rumours.

1) He didn't want to proceed with it all coz he felt that I was hesitant from the start.

2) His family didn't want to do anything till the rumours die out and they'd manage things discretely.

3) He had someone else in mind... he was somehow forced into this. Others said, she's the one who was messing with his mind.

4) I'm too picky and no one appeals to me.

5) some hated the idea that I marry before my other two sisters (older than me)

I'm sure there was more, but now, I just don't wanna dig them up.

By that time, I had grown indifferent to the case, and decided to let it slide and get on with my life. I had a career to get on with that year... and I dedicated myself to teaching English as a second language.

He never called, and never came. A few months back, I heard that he was engaged to the one I was told he wanted in the first place, but I never heard of any wedding plans... and I couldn't care less.


Case closed.



**********

Ramadan...Day 20

*Inspired by Questfortherightone and soulseeker


Hello again...

I don't know how I feel these days...

I'm mostly glad because we're in Holy days, and my relationship with Allah is ever so beautiful... Why so sure? Coz I know it is... and that's what I regard as a blessing to know...

And in the midst of what I found myself immersed in the past few days made me ponder, as if I lack the skill to ponder, or as if I haven't had enough already lol

But the thing is, Bloggers seem to be interested in marriage, and what I admire is that they regard it as a quest... highlight to Quest... not just a simple "I Do's" and whatchamacallit... but a real, sincere determination to find the other half.

If you've read my blog (thoroughly speaking) you would obviously know that, same as most of the others I follow around here, I have lived in the west for quite some time... enough to sufficiently clothe my eastern origins with the western mind...with a cherry on top.

* enough to sufficiently..!!?? what the hell was that!!?

Ahem...Moving on...

When I finally came back to my home country, as a full grown teenager, I began to realize my parents' (especially my Mom's) concern about matrimony... perhaps that was the major reason we came back so hastily in the first place... but anyway -_-

If ever there was a time, when I thought I'd be totally going wakco because of this issue... it was when I reached my final year at college.


********

Confessing an Experience # Part 1

The year before that, (year three) I had worked like hell to gain good... excellent grades! With Allah's blessings, I was top student that year...

Most naturally, there are always consequences...

I fell ill, due to my nervousness and lack of rest... that summer, I had a severe nervous break down. And sadly speaking, in terms of medication, I didn't get the best there was... when I was rushed to hospital in the middle of the night, I vividly remember, though in agony, the blank looks on the doctors faces, which apparently suggested "We have no idea what's with her!"

They gave me tranquilizers ever since... and that was the beginning of my nightmares.

Year 4 started, and I was still on prescription drugs... which there was no neccessity for my taking them... it was like hell... they made me sleep almost all day and I was like a limp goose<< ?? >> ahem... and that wasn't really helpful for my studies. I skipped many classes. And whenever I tried to get up I'd fall back. Going places were horror movies... I feared leaving the house, that I might collapse outside or somebody's house and that wouldn't be a merry scene. Like people were already giving me the looks and questioning my health... How would you feel?

I couldn't go out to the shops, sit with guests for a long time, or even enter a discussion, coz that was a lot of effort.

My family thought I was just being a spoiled baby (reminder: I'm the youngest in the girls) ... I was 21 at that time... who would play such a scheme at that age!!??

E77777

Mom insisted that I should be taken to Tunisia, seeing that no medication proved worthy in Libya... (in the meantime all I suffered from was stress... and imagine curing stress with mega stress and medication)So, Honeybun was whisked to Tunisia with her Dad. We stayed for a whole week...during which I lost 5 whole kilograms. I lost my appetite to eat, and only lived on bread and butter for breakfast, and a cup of yoghurt at night... I simply couldn't get myself to eat. And what's worse I cought a cold, coz the weather was cooler there at that time... the beginning of Fall.

One day I fell ill at some friends' house (we knew them ever since we were in Canada and now reside in Tunisia/ now you know why I hate going places? Let alone travelling to another country!!) so they took me to the hospital... it was late at night so no crowd in the emergency room... They put me in a room where the doctor was to see me. I felt terrible.

The doctor came in and sensed the commotion... our friend's wife (I'll call her S )was so worried and Dad and her husband were in the room too... how humiliating -_-" you ain't seen nothing yet.

As I lay there in agony, not knowing what the hell was wrong with me, the Doc came close and leaned over me and said : "Shbeek Honeybun, La bas?" i.e. what seems to be the trouble with you?

The moment he said that... I started crying... T_T... unwillingly... Or maybe I really wanted to... after all that's been going on to me.

Then S approachedand asked the Doc "What's wrong with her?" He backed away and addressed my Dad. "She seems to be bothered by something- wow he's good! *rolling her eyes*- she must have been through a lot of stress."

Dad: "Well, yes. In addition, she's not a very vocal person and doesn't vent all that's inside her...unlike her sisters- oops, confession from my Dad * jk*- and I'm sure life hasn't been the same for her ever since we came back to Libya."

Doc turns to me and says: "Ok, then we'll find her a husband here in Tunisia if she doesn't like Libya."

How...embarrassing...!

Dad and the others laughed... yeah, they had to humor him. If my Dad was the narrow minded men, he'd chop his head off hhhhh

So, the joke over... the Doc sent them out for me to rest a bit. He came back like 10 or 15 minutes later. He leaned over as I had my face covered with my arm.

Doc: "Honeybun, are you in love?"

GASP... the nerve of his!

Gulp! I shook my head...

Doc: "Are you engaged?"

Shook my head again.

Doc: "Then I'll find you a Tunisian husband." and he chuckles.

Idiot... I smiled out of politeness... as Mimi said: just smile and nod.

He was silent for a moment then said: "Ok, I'll talk to your father and ask for your hand."

Gaaak! My eyes flung open...what the...? And when I gave him another polite smile, that totally suggested "Thank you, but forget about it." He looked at me seriously and said: "I'm serious. I'll go and sit with your Dad if you'll have me."

Yikes...!!

I beg of you, pals and gals... what do you make of this?

Honeybun (faintly): "I'm not thinking of marriage now... I'm ill and I still have my final year at school."

Doc: "No, that's no problem. You go back to your country, I'll be there in about six months for the engagement, you graduate and then come with me here. English is highly in demand here at schools so you won't have trouble finding an occupation."

OK...time to breathe in... and out... He totally was thinking ahead... no he actually THOUGHT ahead already! My mind jumped into action.

Honeybun (still maintaining the polite tone): "No, that'll be difficult. We'll be from different backgrounds (trying to find any excuse) and... and I can't leave my family." lol omg I can't believe I said that!

I mean, who was supposed to be soothing who here? I was under the effect of a tranquilizer (oh yeah, they gave me a shot earlier)and at the same time, trying to think in a lucid manner as to how to get away with this...

And as Allah answered my unspoken prayer... the Doc was paged and another emergency case arrived. He looked around then said: "Just think about it." He helped me to my feet as it was time for me to fleeeee.

"Inshallah." Was all I said. Like, in your dreams! Aaaarrggh

And that was the first and last time I ever saw and heard of him...till this very day.

In the car on the way back to the Hotel, S turned to me and said: "Did you hear what the Doc said? He wanted to find you a husband. (she scoffed)"

I smiled and nodded lol and thought "Little do you know, S, that the husband he had in mind was him."

You know, if it were to count... his was the first proposal I ever got in my whole life :P


To be cont...