At first, when you read the title, one would think "Yay this is gonna be a delight to read!" Allow me to turn you down flat... it's not. Well, sorta...kinda...
Anyway.
Hmmm April's a long way back, isn't it? So, my course FINALLY finished a couple of weeks ago, and by the end of it, I had reached the last straw... or however they say it.
Someone I know said to me about a week ago, "Hey, why not start a blog? You're into writing, surely that would be good practise!" and I was like, "Oh, I'll think about it." :D No one knows I have a blog. A blog to me is like a secret diary, the one you'd kill for if rumaged through!! Which makes me think, "What the point in having a blog, if all those reading it don't know you, and will probably not be able to feel for you... in some way"
That's so sad.... and to be honest, that's one reason that puts me off posting here at times... most of the time, per say.
I know it's nice being abroad and seeing and doing all the nice cool stuff you can't back home... but I came to realize how different people are all of a sudden... they would never understand our mentality, and nor we theirs. Back in time, I never thought about how others understood me, or how I expressed myself; and when I came back to Libya, knowing that it might be for good, I just gave it all I got and learned to adjust.
I love the sand and I miss it. I miss the sunset... there's no sunset like in Libya. The beautiful fluffy clouds in winter, the heavy rain at night... and the lights going out (lol) don't you just love running around in the dark looking for candles?)
Recently, I've had a severe rush of what I call the "7ala"... Perhaps if I put it in other words, it might be under-defined, so I'll leave you to your own interpretations.
I hate the fact that I bottle up things inside me. A Spanish colleague once told me with a flushed face (dunno if it was an embarassed or angry flush) "You're so polite!" and I was like, "Is that bad?" then he said, "You can't even say to people that they're wrong when they're wrong!"
When I told a friend of mine about the incident, she gave me one of her wise nods and said "He's right, I've noticed that you're trying your best to please others when the one you should be pleasing is yourself" here she meant I needed to give myself a break for a change. People who know me, know the quiet calm me... they don't like the me that answers back or discusses her point of view if it opposes theirs. Now isn't that mean?! I knew that the best way to work that out was to maintain the attitude and stand my ground... apparently, some people resent me now because I'm not the cute sweet lass that shies away when addressed.
That's so sad...
I should be sleeping now, but, there were nights nowadays that I had to sit upright in bed to let my tears run down easily. And I'm tired of not letting it out. I need to. Even if it meant to let it out in this cosmic void of cyber world (ok, that didn't make sense) I don't trust people, when people trust me... isn't that ironic? what horrible emptiness that is.
Why should one be condemned to others' judgments? Why is it my verbalising is not wanted, and, funny as it is, my writing is not wanted too? Member in my vast family give me blank expressions when I tell them I'm majoring in Creative Writing. You can almost hear their thoughts "Why don't you just get married and start a family instead?!" lol I dunno... maybe they're right. And maybe I'm right.
I wish there'd be a balance so that both would be equally right and easily achieved hehe. Personally, I think taking a risk in plunging into the scholastic world is quite safer than comitting to a life with a guy (no offense to men here, just meant marriage :D )But! I, with care, would like to mention that it is awkwardly unreasonable anymore to trust guys. I'm sorry again, it's just a touchy topic to me... and amazingly detains my flow of thoughts.
Shall I go to sleep now? yes. Did I say all there is to say? of course not! da! Everybody's a never ending story... poor cyber space, has to put up with all the people around the world and their mishaps and their never ending stories...OMG there I am doing again! I bet the web is flushing with rage now...
Good night
Till Next Time
2 comments:
Salam Sparkling Motivation,
I love your writings....heartfelt and thought provoking. Why? Perhaps we share a similarity in thought.
Although, unmarried myself----I have to say with age I've learned to not care so much about pleasing others first and making sure they are always happy..period.
There are many in my day-to-day life that have no idea I blog either. Why? Not certain----perhaps it's not their thing or perhaps I like the idea of being able to process my thoughts without the critism of those that think they know me best.
Is that the way it always is? Those closest to us think they know us better than anyone and therefore think they also know what is best for us. Ha!
Keep writing should you desire as it's a wonderful outlet for expressing. :-)
Thanks Barbie for your boost...really needed that :)Life is so funny isn't it?
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