Sunday, November 8, 2009
When I Felt Lost...
"I'd rather die tomorrow... than live a hundred years without knowing you." - John Smith/ Pocahontas
Then came the song, "If I Never Knew You".
Yeah, thanks a lot!
Today, I seriously needed a break from my life. And the moment I thought I'd get away from all that messed it up, I find myself in a muddle of some more.
Like, seriously, why should one be blamed for something that's totally not his/ her fault!?
I went out to meet with Julia around 2 this afternoon. Christmas decorations are out and about already, so we wanted to check them out. Later on we sat in a café, a new one we've never been to before, cos we were like, if we went to Nero or Pret a Manger once more we'd go and kill somebody for sure lol.
Anyway, so later on Julia's husband Kole joins us and he brings up his favorite topic of all. Getting me married.
I ain't kidding you guys!
He's been at it for quite some time- along with his wife for sure- as in, it's about time, you ain't got long before your course finishes... find someone!!
Where do I begin... do tell me??
And I thought people back in my society were freaked out about getting girls married! It's so weird it makes me laugh! ... and cry all at the same time.
It's very thoughtful of him, amen to that. Now that I got rid of my Mom nagging over my shoulder about the topic... along comes Mary... I mean Kole and his wife!
He would actually tell me that there are really good muslim men around here who make a perfect match. Of course there are. Not that I know of any, but perfect guys are everywhere... everywhere, yet hard to find :D Yeah, that's how life makes sense, doesn't it? He said, "Sparkle, you need to find someone before your year is over." Meaning by the end of next year, my course that is.
Sparkle: smile and nod.
What can one say in such situations?
Back home, and as I've mentioned before, people think I'm picky. Here, I dunno what they think. Cos I don't see any of em. Not that I don't, it's just that I have no way in communicating with them. Them= guys.
All this is adding to the load I'm carrying, the one that has to do with my studies. The new additional load, find myself a good suitor.
Can I describe this as depressing? or merely frustrating? Because, I don't see how I can do anything about it. I don't know how.
And I'm scared.
Not scared that I'd ever get married. No. It's the fact that I'd not end up with someone who'd cherish me for who I am. To understand my westernized mentality and say that this is how she grew up and it's part of who she is. To be proud of me cos I'd do him right, and provide a loving environment to his life.
Kole is a really nice guy. But today, and since I've established the 7alla again, I just looked at him and thought, "Wow, Kole, I wish you'd shut up!"
We had dinner together- he'd been insisting for ages that they take me- so, tired as I was, I agreed. He went on with his match-making suggestions... I laughed them off.
I came home later on... and I felt really empty inside. It had nothing to do with what he had been saying lately. It's just that... it's true.
You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking mainly about my parents. I know it all has to do foremostly with my wellbeing in terms of finding a good match, but the other thing, I feel that, same as everyone else on this planet, they need to see me married, see their grandchildren, guide them and tell them what a crybaby I was when I was a kid... my mom would love to hold them and bathe them, and sing to them, and feed them mashed vegetables and bananas...
It might sound crazy... but that's what all parents want to see... their children's families...
Gosh I'm so tired.... so so tired....
May Allah forgive me, guide me and bestow strength and security on me, may He grant me the courage and success for my course, may He grant me a good husband, may He grant me beautiful children, for my own sake and for my parents' sake...
Till next time